You’ve fought the world on every little thing it has thrown
at you.You’ve survived abused, torture
and above all else the torment of simply being alive.You’ve learned to live with your hate,
letting it out little by little; expressing it in ways making it seem
juxtaposed to where you really are. They see you as normal as you could
possibly be considering where you have been; completely unaware of the demons
that cloud your vision.
The demons start to overtake you to the point that you just
don’t know just how to express yourself without scrutiny of those around you.
You’ve seen what happens when they see it and you can’t let that happen ever
again. You shut down your emotions and build walls around you. The only thing
you feel now is depression; loneliness. You
truly are alone because you can never let any of them inside again. Fear drives
you to seclusion.
The fear is so strong that you can no longer be around them,
especially when they are in large groups. The larger the number, the stronger
the fear becomes; the more of them there are the more likely one of them will
realize who you really are. You know this because your anxiety tells you it is
true. Somewhere, somebody knows all your secrets.They can smell your fear. They feed on the
anger and disgust you have in yourself. No matter how hard you try to hide your
fear, depression or rage, somebody out there can see it in your eyes.
The eyes are the gateway to our souls, so you’ve stopped
making eye contact with them a long time ago.Oddly enough, you have not done this because you fear them seeing your
soul. Your soul is pure, burned black from the scares they have left on
it.No, you fear that you will drive
them mad if they see your soul, your thoughts, and your memories.You tell yourself that even though you hate
them so much you would never wish this onto anyone else.Oh, how you’ve learned to lie even to
yourself.Deeper inside you tell
yourself you don’t want them to join you in your madness because you wish to be
here alone. Yes, keep lying.You tell them you have risen above what would
kill any normal person among them; and this is where the truth hides, you don’t
want them to prove you wrong.
So you live like this year after year.You are trapped so hard inside yourself you
no longer have any concept of time. Your timeline has become so confusing that
you can’t remember even when the innocuous things seemed to have happened. You
can’t sleep, further twisting your memories of even your near past.When you can’t decipher your past, you have
no future to look forward to; you simply give up.
When you have given up, you run purely on instinct and that is
probably why you can no longer fall asleep. You have long moved passed your
thoughts of suicide and simply want to slip away in your sleep. Giving up equates
to suicide for the unmotivated.
So what happens when
your world is turned upside down?
Part 2
At intervals in your life you have either risen above the
bullshit that has kept you down or forgiven them for it. But at this stage in
your life you realize you have risen above or forgiven everyone and yet you
still feel like shit. You quickly realize that it is time to forgive yourself.
Your walls start to break down slowly, but you are quickly released from the
depression that has kept you prisoner all these years. The future should look
full and bright to you by now.
You try to fix your relationships that have been damaged by
your years of routine. The hard work will pay off in dividends down the
line.It is the right thing to do and
you feel better for at least recognizing the problem and trying to correct it,
even if they don’t see or understand it.You realize the mask you wore to keep them from knowing you is no longer
a mask; that smile is finally for real and those eyes can see further than they
ever have. This should feel right to you, but does it?
Within weeks of your rebirth into the human race you start
lashing out at them in anger. You don’t understand why you can’t seem to keep
control over the little things like you could in the past.You remember that you were a very angry
person in the past and used to wear your emotions on your sleeves before you
learned to hide from them; so you play off these outbursts as just you
returning to your own normalcy. You tell yourself that since you are no longer
angry at yourself you are turning your angry outward where it is supposed to
be.You can tell yourself this all you
want; you know it is not true.
The truth is you miss the depression, the walls that kept
you safe. You’ve been there most of your life and have forgotten how to get
along in their world.The change is too
much for you take all at once, so you try to go back and hide.You don’t feel honest when you are happy, so
you try to reclaim little spots of your depression.You look for the faults in yourself so you
can get a few moments of what seems like normal to you. You look for faults in
them, so you can blame yourself for their faults.
How can you expect yourself to be normal when you don’t even
know what that means?
How can you go back to what seems to be your normal when you
know it is terminal?
